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I have a couple responses to this.
1) I feel like overanalyzing things and trying to ascertain some sort of really explicit definition for everything is exactly the act of tying yourself down and escaping the expression you claim to pursue.
2) I don't want you to change yourself as a person, and that's not anything someone can ask of you. However, I can ask you to change the way in which you communicate. Norms are created so that humans have a protocol by which they can interact, coexist, and work together. The norms in question (ie. not one's like having to be straight or whatever; rather just norms of actual communication, like conciseness) exist to facilitate peaceful interaction. Comfortability is actually very important. Even if you're challenging someone's opinion, even if you're arguing, you will generally want to do so in a way that makes the person feel comfortable - thereby not on edge, angry, spiteful, etc - so that they can clearly see your point of view and you can discuss the matter like mature adults. People use confrontation and emotional ploys for the express purpose of making people not see their argument rationally. So if your goal is in fact rationality, I would suggest approaching discussion in a more courteous manner, so that all parties can be rational. The goal of proper discussion is to really consider the other person, after all.
I don't really have a gameplan for you offhand, and I'm too busy to put one together for now; but if you want to look over your recent discussions and try to notate where you felt like someone wasn't understanding you, or where someone claimed you weren't understanding them, I can help you sieve through them.